Look Good, or Don't Bother.

IN BECOMING A WELL-ROUNDED WINTER ENTHUSIAST, one must learn to use a plethora of tools to master the never-ending pursuit of sliding on frozen water. A monoski is one such tool. The flock of monoskiers may be but a small part of the tribe, but we are growing once again. Read on, and join us if you dare.

1. Step one is the most important: If you want to be a monoskier, you have to look good. You are no longer a member of the general public; you are one of the few, the proud, the totally radical. Your outfit must be a one-piece, no goggles, and no toque. A headband is acceptable but only encouraged on cold days. You absolutely must have a mustache. Remember, the entire monoskiing clan is depending on how good you look.

2. You must be confident, even cocky. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never done it before. Exude confidence and poise. In the event of feeling insecure, remember, you only have one edge to worry about. And you look good (see rule 1).

3. Soft snow is essential for your first attempt. Edge transfer (from right to left) takes a long time to master, so make sure you have warm spring snow or deep powder to cushion your soft flesh upon crashing.

4. Ignore the patroller with the SLOW banner; as always, speed is your friend. Pick a relatively steep blue run and point your tip into the fall line. Feel the wind flow through your uncovered hair as you pick up speed.

5. Once you’re ready to turn, make a pole plant well in front of you. Here is the best part – finish the turn with your ass. Oh, yeah, baby...every turn is an ass turn: pole plant, ass, pole plant, ass. This is why your ass looks so good at the end of every run. Don’t be afraid to tell people that.

6. When you get to the bottom, take off your “ski” and stand for a moment, allowing your fans to bask in your radness and take your photo. Do not smile. You are serious, intent; maybe even French. Slowly walk to the bar, slam a shot of Jäger and buy a round for that table of hot cougars. You are now a monoskier.