Words By: Madison Wilde / Artwork By: Emil Orth    
   
 

34 Reasons You’ll Never Score a Beauty in a Ski Town

 

1.) You ski / ride / climb / fish, better than you bone.

2.) You’re boring and (P.S. your beard smells.)

3.) Your dog gets beat up by hers and you get pissed whenever this happens.

4.) You got too blazed or drunk to hang out and you had to go home. (You’re not 15 anymore, this is a major issue.)

5.) Your closet consists of two colors: camo and neon.

6.) Your favorite restaurant is the popcorn machine at the local brewery.

7.) Your roommate cuts your hair or you cut your own and brag about it.

8.) Your bros describe you as “steazy” or say something like, “Ha! that dirtbag. I’m not surprised.”

9.) Your truck smells like beef jerky, is covered with Cheeto dust and has cans of Oly full of dip spit everywhere. You then have the nerve to ask for roadhead. WTF? ( She’s a keeper if she does.)

10.) You can’t / don’t know how to cut down a tree, build a fire or hunt.

Your truck smells like beef jerky, is covered with Cheeto dust and has cans of Oly full of dip spit everywhere. You then have the nerve to ask for roadhead. WTF? ( She’s a keeper if she does.)

Neon and camo are cool for most occasions gents but not all of them.

You wear Croakies, fly fishing shirts or Chacos to weddings and other fancy occasions. ( Keep it on the river please, bro.)

11.) You’re way harder watching ski porn than straight porn. ( You like pow better than titties? Seriously?)

12.) You like Bluegrass

13.) She can rage more than you can. ( Example: she shoots Whiskey and you stick with PBR.)

14.) You wear the same hat everyday from Oct-June. Even worse; your ex-girlfriend knitted it.

15.) You’re 30 years old and still washing dishes or busing tables to get by.

16.) You eat Hot Pockets....often.

17.) You have more than 10 stickers on your vehicle.

18.) You play around with new facial hair fads but you look stupid ‘cause your shit is spotty.

19.) You wear Croakies, fly fishing shirts or Chacos to weddings and other fancy occasions. ( Keep it on the river please, bro.)

Winter camping, eh? Sweet. Wait, all winter?

You can’t invite her over to your spot because:
A: You live in a camper and it’s winter B: You couch crash C: Your roomate is her ex-boyfriend.

20.) You have a trust fund and you still got Duck Tape all over your shit.

21.) You can’t invite her over to your spot because:
A: You live in a camper and it’s winter B: You couch crash C: Your roomate is her ex-boyfriend.

22.) Her toys are better than yours. (Example: a raft, bigger truck, or stylier bike.)

23.) You refer to her as dude, man, or bro.

24.) You work in the “Medicinal” Marijuana business. (Even if she thinks it’s kinda cool she will NEVER be able to tell her parents she’s dating a pro-stoner therefore she is just hanging with you because you get her high for free.)

25.) She goes down on you and you still have your used Long-John’s on.

26.) You can’t country dance AKA throw her ass around on the dance floor.

27.) You only respond to her via text. Worse, she calls and you still respond via text.

28.) You break up with her every winter.

29.) The only date you have actually taken her on is to a potluck at your buddies house; she made a dish and you brought tortilla chips.

30.) You buy her gear for Christmas because you could use a new headlamp.

31.) You have dated and / or made-out with more than a third of her friends.

32.) You always have the lamest Halloween and party costumes. (Females dig on creativity.)

33.) She can hike faster than you.

34.) You take other chicks on dates to her place of work. It’s a small town, but not that small bro.

 

Madison Wilde is the sweetest, sexiest lady you will ever meet in every ski town. Take a hint from this charming betty and get your tracks in line. Treat her with respect, open the car door, cook her something that requires a stove and she might just give you a chance. Buena Suerte young Jedis. -Bomb Snow

Want a hot woman? Lay off the Hot Pockets.


Words BY: Madison Wilde


Artwork BY: Emil Orth

   
   
 

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