Wildlife Announce Support for Bozeman 2026 Olympics

 

BOZEMAN- The wildlife of the Gallatin Canyon made a statement recently stating that they are unanimously in favor of the 2026 Winter Olympic Games, and the potential new infrastructure that comes with it.

The canyon, long deemed an inconvenience for anybody trying to make it to Big Sky on a powder day, currently contains the relatively unimportant Gallatin River, a prehistoric two lane road, and an overabundance of freeloading wildlife.

That all could change with the arrival of Bozeman 2026 though, and the wildlife are ready to do their part. Speaking on behalf of the various aquatic species that inhabit the Gallatin River, Spokesfish Earl Troutman issued the following statement:

“Gallatin Canyon is currently accessed by a dismal two lane road that becomes easily congested at the mere mention of snow. Bringing the Olympics to Bozeman means that the road will be widened to at least four lanes to accommodate the thousands of Olympic personnel for a two week period, as well as the heavy construction equipment needed to build at least half a dozen new hotels in the Big Sky area. Words can’t express our enthusiasm for these improvements.”

During it’s heyday, Gallatin Canyon was revered for its natural scenic beauty, even hosting scenes from the 1992 classic film A River Runs Through It. But according to Bozeman 2026 advocate Jon Bluespoon, those days are long gone.

“It’s not like they’re going to make A River Runs Through It 2. Brad Pitt died in that movie, and he carried all 123 minutes of it,” says Bluespoon. “In fact, I can’t even remember the last time someone took a good selfie there.”

Bluespoon is confident that he can implement the “I-70” model, made popular in Colorado.

“When I drive down Gallatin Canyon now, all I see is potential. Look at I-70. People love that drive, and it gets millions of visitors every year. I see a beautiful, elevated road structure like the one in Glenwood Canyon. Plus, it’s easy to restore the inherent beauty of concrete much faster than it is to fix decay on rock formations that took millions of years to create.”

The canyons’ Bighorn Sheep population is increasingly excited for the larger amounts of salt minerals distributed on the  roadway as well.

“Currently we only have two lanes of road to lick for salt during the winter,” states  Bighorn Sheep representative Roger Rammalot. “Double the amount of  pavement means more treats for us, and that’s a win.”

Montana’s bear population also stands to take advantage of the years of construction waste left on site during the road expansion.“What Gallatin Canyon lacks right now is dumpsters for easy foraging,” says local bear Billy Oso during an interview. “If you could have three to five years of easy meals, you’d be excited too. Add in all the road kill and poisoned fish and we might have to put a gym in just to keep in shape.”

While the noise of constant construction and increased traffic initially deterred wildlife from agreeing to any potential improvements, the wildlife agree that it’s a small price to pay to give the canyon a face lift.

“People deal with the sound of jackhammers, blasting, and heavy equipment every day,” adds Troutman. “As wildlife, it’s a small price to pay for a greater good.” -Gavin Gibson

Illustration by: Mark Kowalchuk - http://markkowalchuk.com/

Bomb Snow’s “Piste-Off” is a fictionalized, satirical rant. Its content should in no way be interpreted as an actual record of events. These stories are also not intended to be, nor should they be construed as, attempts to predict the future course of any individual or entity, but should be viewed only as parody. Thanks for understanding. -B.S.

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