Piste Off: Tom Wallisch Grows Signature Stache for Sochi

Foster City, CA– Freestyle Skiing’s Olympic Debut is right around the corner, and thanks to a clever marketing maneuver, skiing might just be the shining star of Sochi. Slopestlye athlete Tom Wallisch has just announced a deal with Credit Card Company VISA to grow a new mustache dubbed the “Pittsburgh Predator.”

Frustrated with the International Olympic Committee’s repeated refusal to require mandatory VISA forehead tattoos, VISA’s marketing team introduced the idea after decades of research testing Olympic Speed Skater Apollo Anton Ohno’s soul patch. Thanks to a loophole in IOC regulations, facial hair is allowed to be worn during competition, and is now a marketable entity.

“The choice to sponsor a skier was a natural progression from our historic partnership with figure skating,” says VISA Marketing Henchman Jim Brown. “When we looked for a new sport to use to promote our products, skiing came first. The tricks, the costumes, and the incredible marketability of the posh skiing lifestyle aligns so well with figure skating. We would have stayed with it, but Tonya Harding was worse for the sport than Mike Tyson was for boxing. We think Tom will accomplish everything Nancy Kerrigan never managed after her assault.”

“We’re really excited for all the exposure a signature mustache will give skiing,” states Brown. “Few things can accelerate the popularity of a sport like a VISA commercial on prime time NBC. Look at the amount of speed skaters walking the streets today, all because they were exposed to Ohno’s soul patch during the Olympics.”

Wallisch is excited to do his part in bringing exposure to the millenia-old sport of skiing.

“I feel like the Pittsburgh Predator will really get people involved. World class parks and pipes are about as common as Starbucks these days, and thanks to the constant free fall of lift ticket and equipment prices, skiing is about to take off. I can’t wait to take the sport I love on the mustache ride to success.”

The Predator’s unique style comes in the form of a pencil thin patch of fuzz located above Wallisch’s upper lip, and will be prominently displayed in at least 4,296 commercials over the course of the Olympics. According to Wallisch, “It was designed to be affordable, accessible, and stylish, just like the sport of skiing.”

“Tom has a knack for attracting pre-pubescent boys,” adds Brown. “This is the sort of mustache they’ll be able to grow themselves. In fact, we think it’ll catch on with girls too; a simple eyebrow pencil will make a nearly perfect replica of the Pittsburgh Predator. The best part is that if you sign up for a VISA GOLD Card at 37.2% interest during the Olympics, we’re even going to include an eyebrow pencil with your card in the mail.”

Not to be outdone, Shaun White and Target have collaborated to create a new product called the “Flying To-Merkin,” which is speculated to be on store shelves later this month.

“It’s all about making these sports accessible to people,” admits Target Cashier-In-Training Becky Cline. “Most people can’t snowboard everyday, but they can get the same feeling Shawn gets between his legs when he’s riding pipe from the comfort of their own homes, and that’s what is really important.”

Will the Pittsburgh Predator devour the Flying To-Merkin, boosting the sport of skiing’s popularity into the mainstream? Only time will tell, but thanks to VISA, freestyle skiing is going to be one step closer.

**Piste Off is Bomb Snow’s new weekly satire column aimed at poking fun at the sports we all love. Bomb Snow’s “Piste Off” is a fictionalized, satirical publication. Its content should in no way be interpreted as an actual record of events. These stories are also not intended to be, nor should they be construed as, attempts to predict the future course of any individual or entity, but should be viewed only as parody. Piste Off is not associated with any other news service. Names used in “Piste Off” stories, unless those of public figures or entities, are fictional, and any resemblance to actual persons or entities is coincidental, unintentional, and accidental. Any event described in Bomb Snow’s “Piste Off” that actually comes to pass should also be considered coincidental, unintentional, and accidental.

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