Piste Off: Stop Stoic Skier Face


Hide your kids, hide your wives, and stay the fuck out of the lift line. And the skin track. And the parking lot. A recent outbreak of Stoic Skier Face Syndrome (SSFS) is currently ravaging the Rockies, with pockets of the airborne disease being reported in areas in the East as well.

“It’s like World War Z, but with a bunch of crusty jerks wearing GoreTex

instead of zombies,” says SSFS Expert Carl Drove.

According to Drove, Stoic Skier Face Syndrome results when “a male, or a Salt Lake City female named Becky, attempts to assert their dominance over a group of skiers deemed inferior.” First spotted on the steeps of Jackson Hole’s Teewinot Chair*, SSFS was transported across the West as traveling skiers casually go down on slopes without regard for who else is skiing there.

“At first, the ailment is mostly harmless,” states Drove. “With early symptoms including a sore jaw, a raw throat, and a never-ending sense of loneliness. With time however, SSFS results in permanent facial freeze, anal fissures, and a distinct sense that you’re the only fucking one on the mountain fit to side slip down Teewinot’s icy steeps. For others, an overwhelming sense of disdain for people’s clothing and lack of turn technique makes for an especially pucker-faced condition known as SSFS Type 2.”

“After only a few years of suffering from SSFS or SSFS2, the victim risks

morphing into a total dick.”

Early season snowfall, after two late winters, has created the perfect storm for a total takeover of the skiing community. The proliferation of uphill traffic has resulted in SSFS appearing in parking lots while skiers jockey for position to get the best shot at lines they will access with lifts only a week later.

Recently, skiers in Whitefish, Montana helped discover a cure.

“After escaping the parking lot, which was full of people driving micro SUV’s and sipping tea, all clearly afflicted with SSFS, we made it to the skin track,” says local skier Steven Oh. “But when we passed the hotbed of anger and made it to the skin track, it was clear that the people hiking up with plastic sleds and using the same terrain were clearly unaffected.”

“We used this information to develop defenses against the outbreak,” states Rove. “We’ve found it to be incredibly effective.”

Here’s how to keep yourself safe:

The Piste Off Guide to Stopping SSFS, and SSFS Type 2.

1. Avoid First Chair. This cesspool of anxiety is to SSFS as swamps are to malaria. Show up 15 minutes after the lifts start spinning and settle for second tracks. You’re mind is probably going to be on tonight’s football game anyways.

2. Don’t Buy “Side Country” Equipment. You’re going to have better luck impressing Becky blowing your hard-earned cash on a diamond-encrusted codpiece than whatever super-burly, resort-capable, tour-compatible, overbuilt-but-still-functional, piece of wonder technology you were thinking of anyways.

3. Snowblade. You’re reckless approach to life on fat skis has made you feel entitled. Time spent on the shortest of skis will center your zen.

4. Take a Lunch. Skiers low on sugar are twice as likely to catch SSFS. To reduce your chances of infection, have a nice, hot lunch. Relax.

5. Après Early. If you’re still skiing after 2:30pm, compounding frustration from a day filled with “joey-dodging” and “gaper slalom” to get to your favorite spots can become quite toxic. Nothing a cold beer can’t fix.

 

*It’s true, the toddlers in Jackson are hard as fuck. They don’t want your children or your uncle from Texas trenching up their turf.

**Piste Off is Bomb Snow’s new weekly satire column aimed at poking fun at the sports we all love. Bomb Snow’s “Piste Off” is a fictionalized, satirical publication. Its content should in no way be interpreted as an actual record of events. These stories are also not intended to be, nor should they be construed as, attempts to predict the future course of any individual or entity, but should be viewed only as parody. Piste Off is not associated with any other news service. Names used in “Piste Off” stories, unless those of public figures or entities, are fictional, and any resemblance to actual persons or entities is coincidental, unintentional, and accidental. Any event described in Bomb Snow’s “Piste Off” that actually comes to pass should also be considered coincidental, unintentional, and accidental.


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